Many years ago, I was fortunate enough to attend a workshop with the relationship guru Harville Hendrix. I had learned so much from his book Getting the Love You Want that I couldn’t wait to learn from the master himself.
One of the very first exercises he had the group do was to adopt the mantra, “It’s not the problem, it’s the process.”
It took me a while to take in the power of this simple phrase. This was a couples workshop, so part of the exercise was to talk with our partner about a specific problem we had been wrestling with and then use this mantra to bring us new insight.
This was before I had trained to be a coach, and it was startling to me how true it was that no matter what problem my partner and I looked at if we focused on the problem itself, we got stuck in a power struggle or stuck in a never-ending loop of despair.
When we practiced the process we were being taught, there was a different outcome. The process went something like:
- Listen without judgment
- Reflect or mirror what you heard the other person saying
- Check to see if you heard it accurately & thoroughly
- Acknowledge that what they said was fair, or right, or is valid for them
- Empathize with how that must feel for them
And then…
Take a look at how we might make a change in our own behavior.
The phrases Harville had us practice after listening to our partner were:
“Did I get that right?”
“Is there more?”
“What makes sense is that you…”
“I imagine you might be feeling…”
I will tell you that was HARD to do! At times, it was almost impossible, given issues that had built up for years and where resentment had set in.
But it worked!
Every time we trusted the process, we made progress.
This work led me to become a relationship coach for many years. I always had a twin niche of entrepreneurs because I found that I could apply most of what I had learned as a life and relationship coach to folks who had their own businesses. I just love the world of entrepreneurship!
When I decided to focus solely on coaches building their businesses, my years of relationship coaching came in handy in a myriad of ways.
This one lesson of “trust the process” is as true for coaches in business as it was for me and my partner way back when.
There is a process to building a business.
Once you learn the basics and make it your own, it is much easier to keep moving forward and not get stuck in that awful loop of negative thinking and despair.
Today, I am reminded of this truth as I come back to work after putting most of my focus on moving my stuff from one house to another over the last week.
My saboteur was determined to present me with all the problems I faced from having stepped away for a week: unanswered emails, rescheduling clients, a marketing campaign that I was now behind in creating.
I was tempted to go down that rabbit hole until I remembered the wisdom of Harville and his transformative workshop.
Trust in the process!
I looked at the process of running my business day to day. I remembered to connect with the bigger picture, my vision, and my why.
I was reminded that my process is to move at a slower pace than seems efficient, to take a walk in nature, and to set aside time to rest between work activities.
Within a couple of hours, I was back! I connected with my fabulous clients, communicated with my business partners, and took on some of the tasks that needed my attention.
As you engage with your business this week, I encourage you to identify your own process. The one that includes the task, the big picture, your passion, and self-care.
Maybe even come up with a mantra of your own to remind you to keep your focus on the process and not the so-called problem.
Ep. 38 – Kat Knecht – Success in Coaching: It’s All About the Process
Want to grow your coaching business without feeling stuck? In this episode, Kat Knecht shares how processes—not just tasks—create lasting success in client enrollment, marketing, finances, and self-care.
